In this century, wisdom has given up its place to a new concept called escapism. Let’s face it - all of us, to some extend, tend to run away from troubles rather than facing them head on. I am guilty of it too, and here I shall share some of my stories.

Sometimes I tend to get some freelance work which every time places a tremendous stress on my normal life due to the extra demands it has upon my daily schedule. I have to sometimes sacrifice time that I could normally spend with my loved ones just to meet deadlines, and this stress isn’t something anybody that isn’t a programmer can understand.

Sometimes, the stress goes way up high in the scales, to the point where I cannot take it anymore, and then the escapism mechanism kicks in. I begin to procrastinate, spending my time reading manga, playing music and games, and doing all sort of things in the name of relaxing just to run away from the responsibilities that I am required to bear.

Why do I do that? At those times, I keep on repeating to myself that I shouldn’t have gotten myself into this situation in the first place. If only I had started on day one, if only I had consistently coded everyday, if only this, if only that. I sink myself into the past just to escape from the present, to assure myself that the future would be better.

But it is not.

Escapism and procrastination hurts. A hell lot. I thought I have killed these birds in the past, but current circumstances proof that such mistakes are not that easy to correct.

Vigilance alone is not enough in this battle to be a better man. Tenacity and willpower plays a part too, but to me I believe the greatest culprit, surprisingly, is endurance. When I am tired I become lazy. And for some reasons I get tired way too easily, which isn’t a good thing at all!

I have been included in the committee in my company to organize the company trip, and that to me is a great chance for me to redeem myself. I have the nagging feeling that I am starting to lose my competitiveness in my company, and the fear of being sidelined can come true for all I know. I have unique skills in the company, skills that are beginning to become not to unique anymore. It’s an uphill climb, that every human needs to thread, but my escapism mode is hampering my own efforts at bettering myself at everything I do.

This will turn fatal one day if it is not checked and stopped!

I have pledged to myself before to quench these weaknesses, but after one year I don’t see any significant progress. Bad eh?

So after ranting for so long, what exactly should I do?

My company takes care of its employee well. Extremely well, if compared relatively to other companies that my friends are working for. We are fortunate to have a good boss, a person with business sense and common sense at the same time, and thus job security in this company seems good enough. But it is the fear of taking responsibility that holds me back from greater pursuits.

Frankly, I have been given the chance to proof myself before in the past, and in my opinion I totally blew it. Why? Ignorance, laziness and a general escapism from maturing into a man. But now I truly believe that I should appreciate every opportunity I get and truly, for once, put everything I have into what I do!

There’s just no other way. Either it is 100% effort of no effort at all. I need to stop escaping and start facing reality, taking challenges that I once so loved head on and defeating them. Heck, c’mon, for once in my life, I need to know that after giving all my effort I could have won something in return! The achievement, the knowledge that I made something happen is just so much better than just money (although cash is still a good incentive)!

When was the last time I am truly satisfied with my own performance? Hmm lemme think. Err. Hmm. ZILCH. None. Well, there was the best project award I received from my course, which by itself is quite an achievement, but that I didn’t exactly gave my all. In fact, I can only take 30% of the credit and even though many would say I truly deserve that award, somehow a nagging feeling tells me that I haven’t done enough to deserve it.

Now, I have one chance to proof myself, although that is just a very very tiny chance. This coming company trip, I will give all my efforts just to be satisfied with myself for once. Let’s see if I can make this happen.

I’ll be watching myself!

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 16th, 2008 at 9:12 pm and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.