Firstly, I need to apologize for this emo post.
I’ve been listening to Coco Lee’s “Baby Dui Bu Qi (Sorry, Baby)”, a song that I used to enjoy but now it feels painful to immerse myself in the lyrics.
How does it feel to break a person’s heart? I did that once and lived through hell, and now, it’s happening again. We are all humans - we make mistakes and regret them. And only a handful of us are given a chance for redemption.
I’m the kind of guy that moves on pretty quickly. In a relationship, I try to hold onto it as long as I can, until I am convinced that it is futile to fight on. When it comes to this stage, I let go, turn around, and leave.
When I leave, it’s permanent for me. A piece of my heart left staked to the path on life that only goes forward, never to be retrieved unless time rewinds.
But it is because of this nature that most do not understand why I can be so cold and cruel when it comes to a broken relationship. For when others are trying to reconcile and go back to the square one to start over, I leave, never to look back. Am I cruel?
I don’t know. When I let go of my feelings, I don’t pick them back up. There’s just no way for me to bring myself to love a person again once I’ve let her loose. Partly because the letting go process is heart wrenching on its own, but also partly due to my nature of always moving forward. It is my philosophy, my way of life, and to betray it would be equivalent to betraying my very identity as a human.
But what about those who I’ve left behind? What happens to the shattered pieces of their hearts laid by the wayside by the swords of my nature? Are they the unfortunate victims of my believes? Do they deserve these?
Don’t a convict deserve a second chance? Don’t a vagabond deserves a home? Don’t a reformed son deserve the love of a family? They do, but I just can’t. Why am I so adamant at moving on?
The truth is, I can’t trust that people will change.
I have been proven wrong countless times before on the fallacies of humanity. People take me for granted. They think my kindness knows no limits, and they abuse and take, until I have nothing to give. And when I walk away, they realize their fallacies and beg for a second chance.
I don’t buy these anymore. I don’t want to go back to the past - to do so would be suicidal for both parties.
I don’t want to see people change for the sake of circumstances. This is only changing for the sake of changing - for the sake of rescuing a relationship. And once that mission is done, I can guaranty that they will revert to their old persona or worse - hold that “begging you to come back” time as an emotional blackmail to turn the tables on you in the future.
This world is choked full of people who can’t draw the line between rationality and insanity, and can’t differentiate caring for another person from caring for themselves. They justify selfishness as survival. Survival? Are we still in the stone age? I can’t help to think of such people as those who have yet to live past stone age, mentally.
Love is a precious thing. It comes when it comes, and it leaves when it wants to. People don’t control it. To think that one can control love, to ask for it when one needs it and to reject it when one gets tired of it, is the greatest fallacy of mankind. It is the greatest mistake to think that you deserved to be love and thus have the right to properly abuse the love that you are given.
Love should be appreciated. We should be thankful for being loved rather than assuming it is our god given right to have it.
But can I turn back? Out of compassion and pity, perhaps. But out of love, never.
When love stops, it stops for good.
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