I don’t suppose I believe in Karma. I refuse to submit to the notion that there is an unseen system in the cosmic that judges our actions, and decides the course of our “next lives”. While I do not believe in a cosmic karma system, mainly due to my disbelief of life-after-death, I do believe in instant karma.

Instant in the sense that it happens in this lifetime.

I’ve been through rough seas when it comes to relationships, and it is from here that I receive my very first taste of what karma feels like. I had a girl who loved me more than anything, and I literally ran away from her because I didn’t understood what it means to sacrifice and give at that time. And immediately in my next relationship, I plunge into the same thing - only this time the roles are reversed.

And that wasn’t the only occurence. I had a girl who secretly loved me all along and I broke her heart unknowingly when I got into a relationship with somebody else. I didn’t knew the extent of the damage until I heard that she was so badly burned that she couldn’t work the following day and spent the most of her day wallowing in sorrow. The tears that she felt tore on me because in hindsight, I couldn’t believe I didn’t see all the signs and betrayed her sacrifices. It cost me a dear friend that had been a crucial one that got me through my heartbroken days.

As expected, karma turned around and bit me again. This time it was one of the most important people in my life, whom without I wouldn’t have survived through the rough seas

And like how karma works, it was a role reversal.

I’m crippled when it comes to making big commitments in life. I tend to run away from such things, finding all sorts of reasons that the relationship won’t work. With her, it was the usual. I wasn’t ready. I was raw from a messy breakup and couldn’t emotionally take another one. I lost the passion for love and I felt I wasn’t ready for her. And I felt that I wasn’t financially capable yet (a valuable lesson learnt from my previous relationship) to sustain a meaningful relationship.

All these worries however, didn’t soften the blow when the window of opportunity finally closed down on me. I didn’t know if it was a juvenile stubborness that was giving birth to my grieve but I do know that I had to do the usual to calm my shaken spirit.

A drive down a long highway and a glass of whiskey in my hand, slowly sipping it through the night.

On the brighter side, at least I have atoned for my past sins.

And the whiskey is fucking good.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 5th, 2009 at 1:17 am and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.